Let’s Talk Therapy
So often I see people encouraging others to seek therapy, saying that we all should experience it and while I agree, I don’t think people talk enough about what that journey may look or feel like. So, let’s talk about it.
First, finding a therapist isn’t as difficult as it seems. I was able to go online and find a therapist that took my insurance who offered both in person and virtual sessions for a co-pay of $30 per session. So many therapists offer both in person and virtual options and our insurance covers more than we think. If you feel unsure about what your insurance will cover, login to their website or call and ask! It’s worth it.
My experience when I first started speaking to a therapist was triggering and heartbreaking wayyy before it started feeling healing. I am always pretty open about the fact that I have bad memory. Little did I know, you can experience memory loss, gaps in your memory, or inability to remember things due to trauma, PTSD and other dissociative disorders. I think it’s really interesting what our bodies will do to try to protect us. The unfortunate side of that is when I started speaking to a therapist, I started remembering a lot. So many things that I never wanted to remember. Those memories sent me into a spiral I was not warned about or prepared for. I felt heavy, I felt trapped in my body, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I’d just lay around and cry. It was an extremely heavy few weeks of that. It almost felt like it would stay dark, like the heaviness would be permanent and that can be tough to manage or even push through. Not to say that your experience will be like mine, I’d actually really hope you don’t experience that but it’s important to note the only way to learn to manage your trauma, is to acknowledge it’s there and face it which isn’t always easy.
For some, therapy won’t stop with the sessions you have with your therapist. Sometimes, your therapist may notice things about you that he/she feels a psychiatrist could help you further with. My therapist diagnosed me with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and PTSD and then suggested I add a psychiatrist to my care team so that I could receive the proper prescriptions. When I was diagnosed, I felt validated but when the medicine came in, my God did I feel embarrassed. I felt validated because I knew that I’d experienced and felt certain things for years but had no idea what the specifics were or why I felt that way. Embarrassed because I felt like ‘well why me’ and almost as if people would perceive me as broken, and I couldn’t stand the thought of that. In reality, there is no reason to feel ashamed. In this lifetime, we are all dealt different cards. We navigate our experiences as best we can with the knowledge, resources and wisdom we have at the time and as long as we’re still here, regardless of what that comes with, we should be kind to ourselves.
Lastly, I’d want people to know that after the rain, there is sunshine. The self-awareness you gain is honestly worth pushing through the dark moments. You start to gain a better understanding of why you are the way you are. You learn to identify certain behaviors and how to control certain thoughts. You learn how to communicate what you’re feeling from a clear, aware space. I’ve learned how to connect the dots between my upbringing and the relationships I choose. I understand where I hold shame and the reasons for it. A big lesson for me has been understanding that anger is a secondary emotion. Being able to hold yourself back from ‘crashing out’ so you can get to the root of the emotion helps you work through it in a healthier, more intentional way. I’ve learned to say ‘I am not mad but I am disappointed’ or ‘I’m not mad but you hurt me’. I’ve also learned to communicate boundaries and that it is absolutely okay to have them! As a lifelong people pleaser with attachment issues, that was huge for me! And you will make your own really wonderful strides if you choose to seek therapy.
All in all, I’d encourage everyone to seek therapy. Prepare yourself as best you can for what that journey will look like. Give yourself grace, give yourself a little more love, and see it through. I wish you all the best! Thanks for reading.